Baseball Wrap-Up

The year of baseball is over. The MVPs were announced and I just wanted to rub it in to everyone who argued for Bobby Abreu (I am looking at you Ryan), that the writers made the smart choice and voted for Joe Mauer. Back when I wrote this post, I made strong points for Greinke, Lincecum, Pujols, and Mauer winning their respective awards and it looks like I was correct.

I also want to point out that, while my friends do not believe in any of the advanced metrics to evaluate players, some writers actually do. Keith Law was on Colin Cowherd talking about how he used the advanced pitching metrics to distinguish between NL pitchers. He also said that he voted Carpenter fourth place because he felt that the Cardinals skipping him in rotation at times to keep him healthy (while smart for the team) hurts his chance at the Cy Young. I just thought that was interesting tidbit.

Now we move to the off-season, and we debate who will sign which free agents and we get excited because the Pirates signed someone. I will ask this question to you all, of the players on this list, which should the Pirates try for? I have some thoughts, but I will discuss them in the comments.

The New Fresh Prince

This video cracked me up.

Sex Tails, A Woo Hoo Pt. 2

It is time for another scintillating tale about sex. In the last story, I amazed you with how big of a jerk I can be, well this one probably is not much better.

When I first started working at The Place That Shall Not Be Named (for fear that HR will read it and try to punish me again) in the summer of '02 there was a cute server named Jess. One night after a long midnight shift together, Jess, Tom, and I all went to Denny's for breakfast.

It was at this point that we had the brilliant idea to get beer and drink by the pool at State College Park all day. Which we did, and had a great time. Sadly though, we kept drinking all night long, and into the wee hours of the next morning. It started to become apparent that Jess was into me, so I talked to her for a bit and we ended up having sex. This is the reason that Matt K hated my guts at work because he tried to hook up with her, but she turned him down for me.

So for the next few weeks we work together and whatnot, I hang out with her a few more times and once I realize I am not going to have sex with her again, I pretty much stop talking to her. She was hot, but very dumb and very uninteresting.

Anyways, a few months go by and I have since moved into apartment #352 at State College Park with Justin and Jackson. During one of the first weekends, we all go out and get pretty drunk for the Penn State game. Justin and I end up back at the apartment (we think Jackson was banging this girl nicknamed Stop-Sign, mainly because her head was very large and octagon shaped).

I get a call from Jess, she is drunk and over at Snappy's and cannot get a cab. She asks if she can stay at my place. So she comes over and the three of us are drinking some beers and shooting the shit. Jess asks if it is okay to sleep on the couch. Justin (being one of the greatest humans alive) says "so wait, you two have had sex before, right?" She says yes, he then asks if she has a boyfriend. She says no. Justin then basically convinces her that it would be stupid of her not to have sex with me. She thinks about this for a little bit, and says "you are right!"

Next thing I know, we are in my room, and she is riding me like there is prize money involved. So, while we are going at it, I notice something. The light under my door is blocked, meaning someone is standing outside the door. At that moment, I realize that Justin is contemplating on walking in and seeing if he can have a turn or join in, whatever.

Luckily the phone rings, and it is Kim. She wants to come over and have sex with Justin (this is the girl who one time told me that her pussy is made of gold, to which Justin replied "gold, that thing is a cum dumpster, it should say biowaste on the side").

After that night, I never really talked to Jess again, I think maybe once on myspace years later. I will say this about her though, she could ride a dick.

This is a picture of her from that first day of drinking. That is Tom presenting her ass...

New Moon

I did it. I went and saw New Moon with Kacie. It was by far the cinematic masterpiece I had envisioned. Just kidding, it sucked a big, fat donkey dong.

I did not see the first one, but I did read the first book, which I liked so much I never bothered to pick up the rest of them. I cannot even explain how bad this movie was for me. Seriously, if someone would have ran in with a gun, I would have volunteered to be shot first.

Why was it so bad? The acting is awful. Kristen Stewart...AHHH. I am getting frustrated just trying to explain how bad she was. I cannot tell if Bella is the most worthless character ever, or if Stewart is such a bad actor that it feels like Bella has nothing. Why would anyone care if she lost her soul, there is absolutely nothing there.

And, why are all these hot guys (I use that term loosely, since women apparently find Robert Pattinson attractive) trying to get her? She sucks.

As you can tell, I cannot even put into words my hatred for this film. So, I will allow others to do it for me. Check out the filmdrunk collection of reviews.

Also, over at Skepchick, there is a fantastic review of the movie (it is funny and thought provoking). I recommend you go read this review now, here is one of my favorite parts of it.

I maintain: The Twilight series is dangerous. Not because Bella is a brainless, empty, shell of a female character. I don’t have a problem with weak women in the movies. What bothers me is that this tripe is being sold not just as normal but as DESIRABLE. As something that women should aspire to. Young girls around the country are debating whether she should choose Edward or Jacob. Which abuse is better? He’s insanely jealous and stalks me or he can barely control his anger and may physically abuse me at any moment?

Here is a funny video making fun of the movie:


Also, anyone read Memnoch the Devil? Did Stephanie Meyer steal the idea of a vampire revealing himself to the world as suicide from that book? Armand did it towards the end...

I decided to add this clip of Kevin Smith talking about the movie as well because it is hilarious (although, I may have posted it before...)

Time For Some Morbidity

Last week I went to a funeral. Last time I went to a funeral I caused a war, which still has some of the best comments ever. Anyways, after the funeral I started thinking about my own death. I guess that is a natural thing to do, right? What if I die young? I know, I know, that is sick to think about, but anything can happen. Just being realistic.

I decided that I should write down my wishes concerning my funeral and all that good stuff.

1) I do not want to be buried. Cremation works for me. I want my ashes to be spread at PNC Park, hopefully at center field when the Pirates win the World Series (someone might be holding on to those ashes for a very LONG time). Or, I want someone to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro and sprinkle my ashes at the top. That should really ruin someone's day.

2) No religious service. I am an atheist. I do not want some priest talking about how "Josh is in the kingdom of the lord." Look, if I am wrong and there is a God, then I am most likely in Hell, I do not want people dwelling on that fact.

3) Everyone should just go and meet up at Champs and just tell some funny stories about me. You dickheads better say nice things!

4) I want a memorial built for me. Not some small little stone thing, I want a giant statue. It has to be huge, and I better be holding a sword. Preferably locked in battle with a Balrog.

5) One person must be designated to go to the statue on my birthday and leave an offering of bacon. A committee of twelve will decide who the person should be each year. I get to choose the first person: Offord.

6) If space travel becomes simple by the time I die, then please disregard the above and just have them bury me on the Moon. I want to be the first person buried on the Moon.

7) If I am killed because of a zombie conquest, disregard the above and please run like hell.

8) If I get eaten by a sparkly vampire, disregard the above and feel free to make fun of me for the rest of my life.

That just about does it. Please respect my wishes...or I will come back more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Girlfriend of the Week

Since Thanksgiving is almost upon us, I figured this GOTW should go out to the special lady who saved the pilgrims. Pocahontas. This is a photo of her before she retired to Moldavia.


For those of you who know nothing of history, Pocahontas was a female warrior, who defeated the British and Chinese forces at the Battle of Liberty Island, way back in 1821. Without her we would not have many of the things we have today, such as television or crack.

So be thankful that this busty beauty decided to kick some major ass that late summer day, or we would all be speaking a blend of Chinese and English. She helped usher in an age of Americanism.

Fantasy Football Stupidity

I am terrible at fantasy football. I have no problem admitting it. I am good at fantasy baseball, in fact I know that going in each year, I have a very good chance of winning our league. That is not me being cocky, I just know my abilities. I would say that Gideon, Offord, Ryan, and I are all pretty equal at baseball (Ryan will say that he is better than us, because Ryan has a complex about being the best at everything).

When it comes to fantasy football though, I am pretty clueless on who to start each week. I try to look at match ups, but unless you are watching game film, how can you figure out which players will do well? Plus, pro football has crazy things happen all the time. The Chiefs could come out this week and blow the Steelers out of the water, it would shock, but it would not be unprecedented. Sorry, I am rambling.

Last week I decided to sit Steve Smith, mainly because he has not really produced. I lost to Ryan by six points. Smith had 15. Reggie Bush also had a bunch of points, but I had him benched as well.

I guess next year I will have to be better prepared (especially if I am in this league again, which I would like to be).

DVR Madness

Who doesn't love DVR? I mean, how great is it to come home and know that your favorite shows are waiting for you, and you can watch them without commercials. I know I sure love it. I have tried watching shows online, but they still have commercials, which annoy me.

Currently I record the following shows: House, Lie to Me, V, Sons of Anarchy, The League, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Flashforward, White Collar, and Supernatural. For some unknown reason though, my DVR decided not to record V this week, so I will have to watch it online this weekend (that is when ABC puts up the new episode).

I have one complaint about DVR though, well actually about the way networks edit shows. They need to help us DVR-folks out. When you are fast forwarding through commercials, they need to have something to indicate the show is coming back on. For example, the FX shows bring up the TV Rating screen. White Collar (and the other USA shows) usually start with a scene of the city and some music (Burn Notice or Royal Pains usually does a shot of the beach).

Sadly House and Lie to Me do not have that kind of cool cut screen and I usually fast forward past something and then have to rewind. I cannot be wasting valuable seconds doing this, I am a busy man. House might be the most frustrating, they will show a shot of the hospital, yet House will be talking.

So, for all you network execs out there reading this (I think that could be my largest demographic), please figure out a way to accommodate my life.

Sex Tails, A Woo Hoo

I was thinking about how many of the times I have had relations with a lady (meaning: sex with a whore)were the result of either too much alcohol or umm, well usually just the alcohol. This usually leads to some funny stories, so that leads me to think that maybe I could share a few of them every once in awhile.

I first started working at the Place that Shall Not Be Named in the summer '02. During the winter of that year they hired a girl, we shall call her Little Princess (LP for short). She was pretty hot, I will not lie, unfortunately she was a bitch, hence the name Little Princess.

At first I tried to be nice to her, in fact I would hang out with her, watch movies, blah blah blah. Sadly that did not seem to work. So I stopped talking to her, mostly because I was done trying and also because I got the sense that she might be a whore. Do not get me wrong, I do not judge girls if they are whores, but that does not mean I will spend a lot of time trying to get some from them.

At some point she gets evicted from her apartment and is at work telling the manager how she has no place to stay, she is crying. The manager says "well Joshy, you live pretty close, why doesn't she stay with you?" Just what I wanted, a freeloader. So, I let her stay with me. And thus begins the destruction of Little Princess.

She sleeps on the couch, and she is such a bitch to my roommates. She yells at Justin one morning for making too much noise. He threatens her with "bitch, I will throw you off the balcony." He gets even though by offering me a ride to work one day because it is snowing, she says "can you guys wait five minutes for me?" Justin responds "nope." And we left, and she walked to work.

So, one very cold night, she is out at the bar, I am at home doing something super cool (sitting in my room, watching Lord of the Rings, and organizing my comics). She comes back to the apartment, barges in my room and starts crying about how some guy was mean to her at the bar. I tell her to shut up, which causes her to start crying. She does not understand why I am so mean to her and why I don't think she is pretty. You can see where this is going right? Do I have to spell it out? Preying on a girl when her self-esteem is lowest...classy.

Do not fear though, after that I allowed her to continue sleeping in my bed and usually had sex with her each night. I was mainly afraid that Justin was going to really toss her off the balcony. She would try to cuddle with me after sex and I would cringe away from her, which I think caused her to turn around and sob herself to sleep.

She eventually got tired of being treated like crap by me and my roommates. If she was sleeping, we would make as much noise as possible. I mean, dickhead things, like banging pots and pans together. Or, watching episodes of Simpsons and laughing obnoxiously loud. She moved back to Altoona, and eventually went to jail for something. Who knows what she is up to nowadays.

This taught me a valuable lesson though, girls with low self-esteem are much easier to bang. If a girl has high self-esteem, just tear it down and she will be begging for a little action. And people wonder why I have the second-in-command seat reserved in Hell.

Girlfriend of the Week

Continuing with the theme of hot girls from TV shows I watch, this weeks GOTW belongs to Maggie Siff, who plays Jax' girlfriend Tara on Sons of Anarchy.

Apparently she was on Mad Men, but since I have watched an episode this is pretty much the first I have ever seen her in anything.