Bear Vs. Yaris

Last night I was driving home from work and something horrible happened. I was coming up the mountain from Altoona (route 350 for those of you in the area) and a bear cub came running across the road. I slammed on the brakes and tried to cut the wheel to the right, unfortunately that was the worst mistake ever.

The mother bear charged my Yaris and collided with the driver's side door causing me to spin even more and land into a tree. To make matters worse, I did very little damage to the bear.

The bear came to the hood of my car and started bashing down. Have you ever heard a bear bark or roar? Pretty damn scary, let me just say. The bear then climbed up onto the hood and started clawing at the roof. The reign of blows upon the roof caused my windshield to break, which then gave the bear some easy access to yours truly.

I climbed into the backseat and the bear stuck it's massive head into the windshield area. I tried to kick it in the face, but that did not really work out so well. She clawed the hell out of my leg.

I began to get excited when I saw the headlights of a truck, who stopped a few hundred yards away and came out with some flares. This did not scare the bear though, who decided that taking a chunk out of my should was the best option.

At this point I figured I was dead. I had nowhere to go, no one to really help me. I mean the guy waving flares and yelling at the bear was doing absolutely no good. Then I hear gunshots and the bear collapses. Lucky for me, a state trooper was driving by and saw the flares, and could see what was happening.

So now my car is destroyed, my leg is hurting, I am missing part of my shoulder, and I still have to head to work later today. Talk about a crappy start of the week...

Absolutely no part of this story is true. In fact that car is not even my car. Although, can you imagine how scary it would be getting attacked by a bear while stuck in a Toyota Yaris?

The Hangover

Last week I decided to go see a movie with Kacie. I met up with her and we had no idea what movie we were going to see, it was between The Hangover and Transformers 2. Luckily, the choice was made for us because she had to be out of the theater before midnight to turn in some online assignment. Thank imaginary beings for that one because The Hangover was fuckin' hilarious.

When I first saw the preview for the movie, I thought that it looked kind of stupid. Also, once everyone in the universe started saying it was hilarious, my next thoughts were, "oh great, another movie that everyone will quote, so now I have to see it, or I'll never have any clue what they are talking about (the main reason I eventually watched Anchorman).

The movie cracked me up. There was plenty of stupid humor, but also some pretty subtle stuff that made me laugh. For those of you that never saw Zach Galifianakis do stand up (especially on the Comedians of Comedy Tour with Patton Oswalt), you have no idea what you are missing.

I was afraid that they would use him as a "Jack Black Light" kind of character, but instead they allowed him to be more of himself, which is absolutely hilarious. Here is a little bit of his stand up to help you understand how odd he can be.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

The movie has a little bit of everything, and by that I really do mean everything. You got Mike Tyson, a tiger, a baby pretending to jerk off, gay Asians, funny comments like "Did the real Caesar live here?", Heather Graham's breast, Michael's father from Arrested Development, stolen police cars, and pretty much anything else...

Silly Weekend Video

Since Monday will be the review, and yesterday was the GOTW, I might as well make it a whole week of things related to the movie: The Hangover. Here is a video of Zach Galifianakis doing awkard interviews called "Between the Two Ferns", this one has him with Jon Hamm from Mad Men. I recommend taking the time and watching th rest of them, they are all very funny.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Girlfriend of the Week

Last night I went to see The Hangover (review will be up on Monday) and I have decided that Heather Graham must be this weeks GOTW! I always forget how hot she is, until I see her and then I start to get all sorts of dirty thoughts...

Fun Time at the Pool

Today I went to the Penn State pool with Kacie. Most of you that know me, understand my disdain for swimming. People think I am weird because I do not even go into the water. I can swim, I just do not enjoy it for some reason. So while I was lying there reading my book, I got to make a few observations about the people around me, which I will now share with you.

Tattoos
Almost everyone has a tattoo of some kind. Seriously, I would say 90% of the PSU students at the pool today had some kind of idiotic tattoo. I heard one group of guys making fun of another guy because he had the Penn State symbol on his chest. Sadly the guy doing most of the trash talking, had the Pennsylvania state outline in the exact same spot. Yeah, real cool pal.

I am getting that old, that it seems weird to see that many tattoos? I do not remember everyone in college having a tattoo during my time there.

Deuschebaggery
Obviously, deuschebags have been around since the beginning of time. I imagine one caveman being all cocky and walking around talking about how he killed a mammoth and banged a bunch of chicks (actually, I am guessing that is all cavemen talked about, every single one of them...)

Every time a guy gets out of the pool, they all would flex and act like some kind of model. It is quite amusing to watch, I half expected some of them to start beating their chests in hopes of attracting a mate.

Also, talking about weight lifting for twenty minutes (loud enough so everyone can hear you) is not cool. No one gives a crap how much you bench press, or what kind of workout you do. You are a deusch, give it a rest.

Hot Chicks
All of those idiots are worth enduring though because there was a plethora of hot girls walking around. Unfortunately, as soon as they started talking, my brain wanted to explode.

Nothing makes me feel old like listening to girls discuss the movie Mean Girls. Also, the loud bitch talking about how her one friend was a dork because he was reading a book with a highlighter should probably be shot in the face. I would imagine he was reading for a class, if not though, good for him, active reading is a good thing. Sorry my dear, he should have been reading some celebrity magazine.

Another fun thing to occupy my time with was the guy and girl having a fight. The girl was very hot (way too hot for the guy she was fighting with). Apparently he came by the pool to check up on her, which pissed her off. All she wanted was a day to hang out with her friends, and he was upset because he did not know who she was with.

The girls sitting near me started commenting on how he was probably cheating on her because he was so insecure. I do not care either way, I just kept wondering why he was dressed like a retard. Hat cocked to the side, baggy mesh shorts, and a Dodgers shirt. Someone needed to punch him in the ear. The best part of their argument though was she kept pushing her boobs together (which were fantastic) and that pretty much made my day.

Stupid Signs
There were also two really stupid signs hanging around the pool. The first one reads "No Breath Holding." What the hell does that mean? You should not hold your breath? That seems like a sure fire way to die underwater, unless you have gills.

The second sign reads ""Parents" watch your children." Why is parents in quotes? I understand that maybe the people there with children are not their parents, but it should then say something like "Guardians" or "Person Who Kidnapped Those Children."

The Sun
Sadly for me though, since I never get outside in the summertime, I tend to get a little burnt. I used to never burn, I guess I lost any pigment from my days of being outside...this picture is not very good, but hopefully it shows the redness.

Merlin

I watched the first two episodes of Merlin and well, I really have no clue how I feel about it. On the one hand, I like most things that are fantasy based, but on the other hand, when you take something and completely change it around from the original story, it kind of annoys me.

Merlin is the same age as Arthur, and after saving the princes life, he is made into Arthur's manservant. Magic is outlawed in Camelot, and Merlin must practice without anyone knowing.

The first episode was rather stupid. The second one was a bit better, mainly because of some sword fighting. I guess the show was originally one of the BBC shows like Robin Hood, so it's probably their version of Smallville. You sometimes catch references to the original story, but it is made into something silly, if you know what I mean.

Did anyone else watch it?

Silly Weekend Video

Did you know that today is Father's Day? Do not get me wrong, I love my dad and all, but seriously, what is the point of this holiday? It is definitely not the same as Mother's Day, and really seems like an excuse to get dad's out to the golf course...whatever. Anyways, while checking out FilmDrunk, I saw the trailer for this movie, which looks hilarious.

Girlfriend of the Week

Does anyone remember That 70s Show? I remember for awhile Laura Prepon was kind of the girl from the show that was always in Maxim and the other guy magazines. And for obvious reasons, she is hot. However, Mila Kunis is the one who actually stayed famous...odd how that sort of thing works.

Hopefully Prepon does a movie in the future where she gets hardcore naked. I guess she will just have to settle for GOTW...

Super Randomness

Yeah, I know. It is Wednesday and I have not posted anything all week. I apologize. Allow me to explain what has been happening. Anyways, at work (you know, The Place That Shall Not Be Named! For Fear of Being Fired) I have been training a shift manager on third shift, which is great because I did nothing all weekend except answer questions and tell him what to do.

Sunday night I get a phone call from my step-dad saying they were rushing my mom to the ER. I was planning on leaving from work, but he called back and told me it was her appendix and that she was going to be fine. Once work ended, I went home, showered and then headed to State College to see my mommy. I went to the hospital (which I absolutely loathe, do not ask why) and went up to see her for a little bit. She is doing okay (thanks for asking).

After that, I went out to the mall to buy new sunglasses since mine broke. I buy very cheap sunglasses from Lids. Unlike most of you schmucks out there, I do not go through phones and sunglasses like a meth-addicted badger (go ahead, try to make sense of that one). In the last three years, one pair of sunglasses and 3 phones (I just got my new one, the only reason for the second one was because of the jumping). I might share a picture of the new shades, if you ask nicely. I will not share my meth, so piss off.

After that I stopped at Barnes & Noble to buy a book, luckily the new Godless World book came out, and has been pretty damn good so far. I then headed down to the Comic Swap and picked up my stuff, also a few other things (like Captain America #600 and Red Robin #1).

I would like to take a second to agree with Nick over at batmanobviously about Batman #687. It was a fantastic story and really helps bridge the gap between RIP and Battle for the Cowl (which was not much of a battle).

I got home, read some of my comics, and then decided to take a nap (it was around 3 p.m. and I had been up seen 8 p.m. the night before). I crawl into bed, set the alarm for 6:30. My thought was to get up, get some food, take a shower, watch some TV, then go out and drink some beers. Well I must have been more tired than I thought. I missed the alarm, woke up at 2 a.m. and could not fall back asleep. I got up, read some of my book, watched TV, ate breakfast at The Little Restaurant (no Willie Parker there today), and then headed to work.

By the time I got home from work at midnight, I was pretty exhausted. Unfortunately not too tired to turn on HBO and get sucked into The Dark Knight...so that has been my life the last couple of days. Onto other news.

Fantasy Baseball and Pirates Stuff
My team in Ryan's league is sucking balls right now. I really do not know why, I start the week winning, then end up losing by one or two every week. Starting to get annoying.

My other team is still winning, so no need to complain about that.

The big talk for the Pirates is who will be traded next. I really have no problem with anyone being traded, as long as we get something out of the deal. No stupid trades. Remember, .500 is not the goal. Creating a winner is the goal, trying to finish .500 is pretty much the same as giving a guy a handjob.

Anyways, over at WHYGAVS one commenter (Bishop) sums everything up with this fantastic line:

On a team like the Pirates, having a above-average closer is like
putting a five-grand stereo in a Yugo.

Very true.

Twitter
I know many of you are pretty anti-Twitter (unless you were directed here from Twitter), but I think you should still use it. I do not update constantly, in fact maybe a few times a day, and half of them are about being pissed because I have to get ready for work (speaking of which, I should start getting ready). In some ways it is the ultimate link dump, people with similar interests posting links to things that interest me. Seriously, my days is pretty much full because of reading sites now. Not that this is really anything different than normal...anyways, if you want to follow me on Twitter click HERE.

The Big Finish
I really wanted to write more, but I ran out of time. Now I have to get a shower. Anyways, would this be one of those random posts without a picture of a hot girl? Exactly, so here is Cody Lane, a very hot porn star, who has helped me with the big finish a few times. That's a masturbation joke.

Girlfriend of the Week

This week's GOTW goes out to the hottest paranormal investigator in the world: Kris Williams. As many of you long time readers (all 3 of you) know, one of my favorite shows is Ghost Hunters. I do not believe in ghosts or an afterlife, but I love watching the show.

One of the reasons is Kris Williams. She cracks me up. She always wants to have some big experience, and then starts getting freaked out. Usually she says things like "what the frick is that??" She makes me laugh. Also, she looks good in the black and white night vision videos they use...

Pygmy

As most of you know, I am a huge of Chuck Palahniuk. Even though I was not super impressed with his last novel, Snuff, I still could not wait to read this one. The plot revolves around an exchange student who is actually a terrorist living with a Midwestern family.

When I started reading the book, I thought that I was going to hate it. The book is written as dispatches from Agent 67 (also known as Pygmy). It is very difficult to understand what he is saying at times, for example:

Tongue of operative me lick, licking, touching back tooth on bottom, molar where planted inside forms cyanide hollow, touching not biting.

I seriously considered just shelving it and chalking it up to a failed experiment. Fortunately I kept going, and found myself getting used to the style.

Like most ChuckP books, he gives his usual odd, repeated sayings (he calls them the chorus), in this book they are in the form of quotes from famous dictators or Pygmy reciting elements from the periodic table.

What I loved about the book though, was that I thought it was going in a certain direction, and then it shifted gears and like always, you realize the clues were there all along. There will be some spoilers from here on out.

Most of his dispatches let us see how idiotic most American's are, and how justified other countries are in their opinions of us "fat, stupid American vipers." He also includes dispatches about his own training, which at first seem to just show him as a super badass, but after awhile you get the sense that his country may have lied to him and probably killed his family by faking a nuclear attack and saying it was American.

Once we get to the point where we know what his plan is, to release a neurotoxin to kill people in Washington D.C. at a National Science Fair. Sadly, through his own dispatches, he let's us know that he is starting to fall for a girl in his host family and that he may not be entirely supportive of his country's cause. He uses one of the quotes earlier in the book, that pretty much ends the book and helps sum it up: "It is through disobedience that progress has been made, through disobedience and through rebellion." Understanding his own country and his own feelings, he has been rebelling against his own training. Very cool idea.

Survival

The other day I had a conversation with someone about how life sucked before we had cellphones. I was telling the story of how my brother and I ran out of gas somewhere and had to walk like ten miles to a gas station (luckily some fat broad picked us up). I then had to call my grandfather from a payphone to come and bring a gas can.

Nowadays this would be a simple fix (I would get gas before the damn thing ran out!)by just calling someone to bring gas to the car. No walking. This got me thinking though, yes cellphones have made life much simpler, remember going out to a bar and having to meet up with people? Now you just have to call them and find out where they are. Everything used to be such an ordeal.

I remember my second semester at PSU, I was the only person living at my apartment with a cellphone. If we would go out, we usually had to come up with a plan, like "let's start at Saloon, then end at Sportscafe." That way if anyone left to go somewhere else, they always knew where we would at least be at the end of the night.

As great as cellphones are, does anyone remember what life was like before the internet? All the things you take for granted about the internet. For example, if I was reading a book or watching a movie, and there was a reference to something I had no clue about, I could not just look it up on wikipedia. Instead, I would have to go and find the encyclopedia, which if you have not noticed take up a crapload of space.

Also, what happened if you missed an episode of your favorite show? You had to wait until summer time and catch the reruns. People would actually have to plan to be home to watch their favorite shows. I do remember my mom and dad telling me about how everyone used to gather at someone's house and party on a Saturday night, and then watch SNL together. I would imagine that between beer and bong rips some of those old SNL sketches probably seemed funny. Now, just check 'em out on Hulu.

I cannot even begin to imagine what life must have been like sports wise. Having to wait for the paper or the evening news to just find out some scores? Heaven for bid there be a big trade one night, you would have to wait until the morning to know about it. Luckily when the McLouth trade happened, I had instant tweets from Rocco DeMaro telling me about it. Within seconds I was able to confirm the reports and find out the players involved. Without needing a journalism degree I was able to dig up all sorts of information about the deal. Absolutely amazing.

What the hell did we do during our spare time before the internet? It could not have been very productive...

Taken

I heard from multiple people that the movie Taken was pretty good. One of those people was my friend Steve, who never sees new movies. In fact, unless it has been on FX or TBS, he has not seen it yet. He received a bootlegadvanced copy of the movie and told me that it was awesome.

So, I decided to watch it the other day. It was really good. Do not get me wrong, there is nothing mind blowing about the movie. It is just a good action flick, one dude going around beating the crap out of everyone in his path.

When I first saw the preview, I thought it would be weird if Liam's character was some kind of mob enforcer, since how would he be that good at tracking these guys? Well it turn's out he is ex-CIA, and has quite a few connections.

Also, it was nice to have a movie that did not need to end in some mind blowing twist. It would have been horrible if at the end we learn that Liam actually had her kidnapped so he could rescue her and make them closer. That is the stuff that usually happens in movies nowadays. Nope, not this movie. Liam kills everyone and rescues his daughter.

Another awesome part is when he shoots the French guy's wife in the arm. It was so quick and unexpected. The movie reminded me of old episodes of 24, when Jack would torture and kill anyone that got in his way. Unlike this season where he just twitched a bunch and argued with everyone about the merits of torturing.

So, if you want to watch a movie and feel good about torture, then check this one out. It's a nice relaxing movie.



It also has Maggie Grace, who looks not nearly as hot as she did in Lost, but whatever, she is still hot.

Silly Weekend Video

Back in the day, when Gideon and I lived at 224D, we used to spend many hours watching TV. One thing we always would end up on, usually very late at night, was the guys selling knives/swords. Screw the Sham-Wow guy, those guys made me believe that I needed 48 knives, or 10 swords. How many times did we come very close to ordering them? At least a half-dozen...anyways, check out this video and laugh at the absurdity of the situation.



Thanks to the Warming Glow for the video.

Girlfriend of the Week

This week's GOTW is the hot X-Men movie Rogue, Anna Paquin. Just look at her in that leather. Very yummy. Also, if you have ever seen True Blood, you have seen those breasts and they are pretty sweet as well.


Now, for those of you who are family (and do not want to read about my disgusting fantasies) or someone who is offended easily, I would stop reading now!

One of the sexy things about Anna is the gap in her teeth. Why would I think that? Well I watch way too much porn, and tend to have very perverted thoughts about what I would like to do to certain girls. If Anna was giving me a blowjob, I would love to try and shoot my load between that gap and raise my hands signaling a field goal...wow, I have some serious issues.

Eureka Season Two

I recently finished watching Eureka season two on DVD. I really enjoy this show, and if you are not watching it, you really should be.

The premise is that there is a government town, where scientists live and pretty much have funding to work on any projects. Everyone is some kind of super genius, except for the sheriff.

The show can be a bit silly at times, these scientists constantly get into trouble and the sheriff has to investigate whatever crimes they are committing. It is kind of like Smallville in that way. However, this is not what makes the show so good. The characters are very interesting.

Jack Carter
The U.S. Marshall turned Eureka sheriff is the everyman of the show. He enjoys having a beer after work, eating pizza, and watching baseball (he is a Dodger fan, I will not hold this against him). He has to deal with crimes that involve advanced science, and usually has to have someone dumb everything down for him.

During the season one finale we find him in the future, married to Allison, who is pregnant with his child. He learns that Henry went back in time and saved his girlfriend who dies during an experiment, this time travel could cause the universe to end so he must go back and stop Henry. After he does this, the time line is restored, yet he and Henry still remember their future lives.

The fun at the beginning of the season was watching him try and woo Allison in the same manner as before, yet it does not work. He pushes her closer to her ex-husband, Nathan Stark.

Henry Deacon
Henry is the genius best friend of Jack. He is the one who always helps solve whatever problems there are in the town. Henry uses a device to help Jack forget the future time line, but then destroys it without using it on himself. He then says that he does not forgive Jack for changing time. He blames Jack for Kim's death.

Allison Blake
Allison is now the head of Global Dynamics, the government facility where most of the people work. She flirts with Jack, but due to the things happening to her son, she finds herself getting closer to Nathan.

Jo Lupo
The smoking hot Deputy Sheriff. Jo is ex-special forces and would much rather take apart her gun collection than do anything remotely girly.

Nathan Stark
The former head of Global Dynamics. He is cocky, arrogant, and usually pretty shady. He has one Nobel prize and loves to make Jack feel stupid. The comedic moments between those two are great.

Zoe Carter
Jack's teenage daughter (the actress just turned 18 today, very nice). She deals with being a "norm" in a school full of geniuses. Although, we are learning that she may be smart herself. Her recent IQ test came up as 157 (Jack's was 111 when he was younger). Jack and her battle over things like: driving, dating, and keeping the house clean. When she asks to get a tattoo, he responds with "Umm, let me think about it...No. Wait, nope, answer is still no." Just funny stuff like that.

Anyways, the characters are fun to watch and usually pretty funny. I am not saying it is the best show on TV, but if you want to watch something entertaining, give it a shot. Also, the chicks are pretty hot...

Comics Stuff

Now that I am living back home, the chance to go to the Comic Swap and pick up my comics has gone from maybe once a month, to pretty much once a week. Which is good news for everyone because I will be able to post more comic reviews.

I am all caught up with stuff and would like to talk about two book that I read. I have cut my pull list way down because of all the crap that Marvel/DC are putting out. The first series I want to talk about is from Warren Ellis called Ignition City.

The beauty of being one of Ellis' followers is that you get to see the creative process at work. For example, a long time ago he mentioned about Crecy and how he wanted to do something with it, but using Deadwood as the template (modern day language, fairly accurate historicity, and some of the things they never want to tell you when the glorify the past...)

This is also true of Ignition City. He has been saying for awhile about different ideas for the series and what he wanted to do. And now, we finally get to take a look at it.

The story is set in 1956. Remember all those sci-fi movies and books from that time? Well probably not, most of us are too young. But, there was a period where spacemen went out and battled monsters on Venus and Mars and whatnot. Well that time is coming to an end, the governments are banning spaceflight. All the washed up space heroes go to a place called Ignition City.

The story revolves around the daughter of one of the space men, who is investigating her father's death. Also, she is lamenting about the fact that she may never get to go back into space.

As with most Ellis books, there are plenty of hilarious parts, but also some very thought provoking ones as well.

I also picked up Invincible: Ultimate Collect Volume 4, which collects issues 36-47. This book is always pretty fantastic, all sorts of fun things. The main thing has been the growth of Mark, who breaks up with Amber to pursue things Atom Eve. Unfortunately, he is like most guys and screws that up by mentioning that he knew her feelings because her future self told him.

Allen the Alien also pops up again, and we learn that the leader of the Consortium is also a Viltrumite who rebelled. Allen gets himself captured by the Viltrumites so he can be tossed in their prison, most likely to break out Omni-Man (Mark's dad). Allen has discovered that his powers have grown and he may be more powerful than a Viltrumite.

Mark also realizes that the Viltrumite threat will not go away, so he must be prepared. He begins to work out, trying to push his body to the limit so that he can take on the evil empire when they finally do arrive. Also, his little brother has manifested powers, so we get to see if the rapidly aging Oliver can grow more powerful than Mark in a short amount of time. Also, will he help fight the Viltrumites when they finally do come?

This is definitely a series worth checking out, even if you are not a fan of superhero comics. Half the time it does not feel like a superhero book. If you are reading either series, let me know.

Fanboys

Last night I watched the movie Fanboys. I had heard that it was really good and pretty hilarious. Whoever told me that was mistaken. It was a decent film, and had some funny parts, but was not nearly as good as Free Enterprise.

The story revolves around four Star Wars fanboys, who in 1998 decide to break into Skywalker Ranch and steal the rough cut of Episode I. The reason behind this is one of the characters has cancer and will die before the movie is released.

The movie has plenty of funny scenes (Seth Rogen plays two characters, which are both pretty funny) and a pretty sweet Shatner scene (although Free Enterprise has Shatner being a bit insane, much funnier).

Sadly though, it just had way too many jokes that have done before. Nerds picking up hookers, thinking they are interested in them...and then one of them talking to the hooker to get advice, I know I have seen that somewhere else before.

One of the highlights of the movie though was Kristen Bell, who is always hot, dressed in the Princess Leia slave outfit.

Also, the cameos were pretty funny, especially Billy Dee Williams playing Judge Reinhold. This movie could have been much better if there was more subtle humor and jokes for actual fanboys, unfortunately the jokes are usually forced upon you.

The beauty of Free Enterprise is that the characters, although they are geeks, actually come off as a bit cool and realistic. The "I live in a basement/garage and like Star Wars/comics, and have never been laid" is pretty lame at this point.

My New Shoes

As many of you who follow my blog know, I have had troubles finding a pair of shoes. Obviously, if you read that post, you will see by the date that it is over a year old.

My black Diesel shoes are starting to fall apart, they are roughly three years old, and my Adidas sneakers are easily seven years old. So, I finally sucked it up, went to Journeys and decided on a pair. As you can see, they are a pair of DC, pretty plain, no fancy graphic designs or anything.

I will probably buy a pair of Macbeth or something similar at some point. I would like to own more than one pair of shoes...